The origin of my life

Releasing toxic family dynamics

I dreamed about my mother again last night.
The imposing grip of my father did not follow her into my subconscious this time, wreaking havoc on my nocturnal wanderings, and she was able to sit beside me, her thin fingers enclosed around mine.
There were no words spoken. There wasn’t any need for them. The silence between us was calm and comforting. We were just two women with scars, holding space for each other. It felt healing, and I awoke with a sense of peace.
It has been exactly three years since I have seen her, since I walked out that door of my parents’ home with the shrapnel of my father’s words hitting my back as I clutched my sobbing child’s hand. Three years since I made the long overdue decision to finally cut my father out of our lives completely, which unfortunately included my mother as well.
She remains the faithful shadow beside him, forever bound and broken.
I can’t save her. And she wouldn’t want me to even if I could. Besides, that’s not my story to tell. It’s hers.
My story ends and begins again. A new chapter where I’ve had to mourn the loss of my parents. Not because they are gone. But because they never were.
Society teaches us from a young age, the importance of family. But as I approach the age of 40, I realize that family is a story we create and cling to. A narrative that weaves our genetics together to form a cohesive pattern and give us identity. The origin of our life. But it can also be the origin of our trauma. And the generational weight we are forced to carry can become too heavy, and we at times will crack, and crumble, and pass the load to our children, repeating the cycle.
But we don’t have to.
I see a revolution happening right now. It is quiet, and subtle. Forged behind closed doors, and hidden rooms. But it is powerful, and sacred. It is the burning and the rising of the phoenix. It is people releasing their family stories and birthing new ones.
It is the revolution of healing.
Who’s with me? 🦋

Author of two award-winning novels, “Awakening,” and “Light Among the Shadows,” Jennifer is a poet and writer immersed in a lifelong love affair with words. She lives nestled in the beautiful valley of Southern Oregon with her partner and daughter where she spends her days fervently typing away at her computer while trying to balance the blend of motherhood and self-discovery. Her new novel “The Life We Dream of releases July 2022.

Light Among the Shadows

My hands gripped the steering wheel as I drove in
a trance. Where I was going, I had no idea. All I
knew was that I had to get away.
The distortions of darkness rushed past me, the haze of
taillights in the distance glowing like embers in the night. My
whole body was stiff, and a persistent ache radiated throughout
my lower back. The hours had blended into a blur of gas
stations, motel rooms and prepackaged food hastily bought in
convenience stores. It all tasted the same, bland and dry,
nothing more than an anchor to hold down the emptiness
clawing around inside.
On the passenger seat, my phone flashed its eager blue light
once more. Dozens of missed calls, text messages, and
voicemail alerts littered the screen. All from John. Reaching
over, I turned it off. The thought of listening to them filled me
with dread.
What I had done was extreme, but like a wild animal stuck
in a trap, I knew the only way to survive was to relinquish a
limb. Leaving was the last frantic vestige of my attempt to keep
on living, despite there being nothing left to live for. I was
hollowed out. Only tender bruised bone remained as I followed
the endless white line of the highway.

~Light Among the Shadows on Sale Now~

Excerpt from new novel “The Life We Dream Of”

Ocean water lapped at my bare feet.

A gentle tug coaxing me deeper into the sea.

My mother stood beside me, the warmth of her hand clasped in mine, eyes vibrant and alive.

 “Are you ready, Julia?”

“Yes, I’m ready.”

I stepped forward unafraid, waves wrapping around me like a languid embrace, pulling me closer.

Then I was weightless, my limbs unraveling into the depths.

Leaving nothing behind but the solace of my exhale.

~The Life We Dream Of~ Pre-order here

🕊The Life We Dream Of

I found her hand in the darkness and gave it a squeeze as I followed her gaze toward the sky, the multitude of space spinning violently above us. “Maybe we go back up there. We are stars, too, you know.” I looked at her as a wave of emotion hit me, bringing fresh tears to my eyes. “Some of us burn brightly and light up the night. Others are only a glowing ember keeping company in the dark. But we’re all beautiful, and in the end, we’re all the same. Just dust and matter dancing together.” My voice came out in a whisper, a hopeful wish I was afraid to startle. “I like to think that we don’t disappear. We just reappear somewhere else.”

Pre-order available now